That was my conclusion from the trip to the mountains which i saw for the first time in 10 years…didn’t realise how long it’s been until i got there and the amount of energy i got supplied there just by being present, breathing the air, skiing, paragliding (which I love and I don’t get to do it often but i clearly should), spending time with my newly-connected family just supported the baseline i was carving our 3 weeks ago.

I had to quit several draining relationships which wouldn’t let me enjoy my own presence which was very important to do. Sometimes we think that we need to be kind to someone just because they count as family but genuinely we don’t owe them shit. The way they treated me was a silent emotionally unavailable environment where I always had to do something for them to even notice my existence and whoever they are it doesn’t matter at all. They could be the closest people for one period of your life but then when you find your own balance you notice what was draining this whole time and God i wish i could see it before but I just became a victime of a carefully constructed illusion. Now I understand and if there is something that they try to make me do i now say “I’m sorry but I can’t help you in this, I’ve got too much on my own plate” - Booom! Fucking corporate answer innit yet i’ve got balls now to put it this way.

I had to put a huge multilayered boundary in my field for my fire to grow in safety. I can not sustain the storm that they do without this boundary and it’s a pity that it came down to that but I have to do it for me, out of self respect and out of love towards my own present. And that’s how I finally got to neutrality presence. I can see clearly and I don’t have to pull myself sideways to satisfy someone’s need even though I love them.

Stay in neutrality, stay present, and you will be free <3

I love you

Polina Artvel